Sybil Bruncheon's "Diller-A-Dollar Tales For Today's Investors"...

Becky Shrubmeyer and Helen Thikfistle prided themselves on being modern women who could take their house allowances from their husbands and not only keep their homes running but also put aside some "pin money" to play the stock market. During the day, when their housekeeping chores were done, the laundry was in their washers and dryers, and dinners were already on the stove, Becky and Helen would sit over afternoon coffee and chocolate chip cookies and clip coupons for the grocery store and check out the financial pages of the Times and the Wall Street Journal... and boy did they hit it big! So big, in fact, that they finally opened separate (and secret!) savings accounts away from their husbands' prying eyes.

Their accounts grew and grew as they bought and sold, bought and sold; stocks for mining copper in Idaho and gold in Nigeria, corn futures in Iowa and wheat in Argentina, pork bellies in Kansas and beef from Brazil... The world truly was, as the saying goes, "their oyster"! The money poured in, and their private savings accounts climbed into the six figures. Even nice Mr. Throckmorton at the brokerage would greet them by their first names and scurry over with his secretary, Miss Pynch with coffee and donuts when they might wander into the office once a month to confer about their investments. All the other brokers and their support staffs would point and whisper about "those two gals from Grandy Corners" in the mostly male world of profits and portfolios of 1957.

It all seemed ideal, didn't it? The sleek and chic 1950s unfolding in post-war abundance... until that bump in the road called the Eisenhower Recession... when all the laughter and martinis turned into screeching and tears. Yep, "the gals" had made a careless choice to invest all their money in lipstick and mascara futures in some place called Iraq. In a single weekend, their accounts were gone... all gone. And it was back to the ironing boards and jello molds with carrot shavings, Spam chunks, and mini-marshmallows... with Phil and Carl none the wiser… oh well...

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Sybil Bruncheon's Strange Tales That Stun & Stupefy... The Buick!

Miss Sally Ann Pretherton had saved up all her money for the first new car she had ever bought. No more "hand-me-downs" from the Used-Car lots for her. She was tired of the smirking, the "accidental brush-ups", and the not-so-subtle innuendoes of the oily car-lot salesman who tried to hide their wedding rings as they quoted her prices they claimed were a "special deal just for her, cause she were so pretty"!

She had asked her Dad what she should buy, and he said the new 1958 Buick Special was the car for her! And she adored the fact that "Special" was the name of the model because that's just how she felt as her dad drove it off the lot with her in the front seat and her best friend Carla in the backseat! She looked out the window at the swinging strings of lights and the yards of plastic bunting and ribbons tossing in the wind on that sunny February day! Was there anything as magical as a new car, twinkling in the bright sunlight and with that new car smell, racing down the open rode with the whole world lying ahead of you.

And then after about a mile or so, her father, normally so steady and solid let out a shrieking laugh at the top of his lungs and a maniacal look in his glowing green eyes! He punched the accelerator to the floor, and the new Buick surged to its full power and screeched down the highway! Faster! Faster! Faster than Sally Ann had ever gone or imagined... and then Carla joined in in the howling laughter!... Sally Ann desperately clutched the dashboard and turned, begging, to her father but he had become some sort of fiend, a horrible drooling fiend with grey claws where hands should be, raking where his hair had been and twisting the steering wheel this way and that. Suddenly, Sally Ann felt the gleaming new Buick shudder and lift, yes, LIFT off the ground, off the highway and veer sharply to the left over the vanishing ground below! Now her whimpered pleas to her dad also turned to shrieks, but shrieks of terror and madness to be met in turn by the diabolical cackling of her inhuman companions!... and it was then or shortly afterwards that the Buick crashed head-on!… into the moon.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Factual Flights of Fashion & Fabulousness... 1954"...

With the rise of the New Look after the deprivations of World War II, fashion and fashion photography took on an equally "new" power in the newly mega-wealthy United States. Both photographers and their models became icons in both the publishing and entertainment worlds, and their power as arbiters of taste, style, and elegance was irrefutable. The first super-star of the magazine cover was Dovima, formerly Dorothy Virginia Margaret Juba of Queens, NY. Constructing a stage name for herself out of the first two letters of her Christening names, she soon earned the then unheard of sum of $60 an hour modeling, making her the "dollar-a-minute-model" when other girls were lucky to make $20 a day. But, as with all fame and fame-phenomenon, copiers and "knock-offs" began showing up on the runways and in the fashion magazines as well.

It was the 1950s when extreme body image was desired, and possible through a return to corsets, girdles, and push-up bras... and of course through extreme dieting. A girl would do anything to fit into a Dior, a Charles James, Norman Norell, or Balenciaga. And so the 20" waist became the ideal. And the cat's eye make-up to accentuate the severity of the new 50s femininity that left padded shoulders and Rosie the Riveter buried in the forlorn dust of the 1940s. A few models that tried to unseat Dovima included Larva Larue (formerly Bettina Jonk of Kadens Fork, Delaware), Waspina (formerly Carol Ann Kannuski of Wauseon, Ohio), Mantisine (formerly Margie Medfin of Poot Landing, Utah), and Slithera-Sue Summers (formerly Djanna Fong of Carson City, Nevada). Whether on the cover of Vogue (the supreme victory!) or bouncing around here and there inside an issue of Redbook, Collier's, or Good Housekeeping, these models became the feminine ideal of the streamlined decade!... and the scream-queen stars of some of the best science fiction films from Republic Pictures!

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Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “The Fifth Wheel"...

Carlton Ambersen, Henry Stareweather III, Fragard Boothe, and Marvin Rorick had all been school chums from the time they were enrolled in kindergarten in the exclusive Hampton Valley Country Day School to their post-graduate days after the Ivy League Colleges they all attended. They were successful in businesses and professions that brought them wealth, respect, and all the trappings of the good life in New York City. The 1950s were about prosperity and glamour and they intended to celebrate the very best of all of it. And girls? They were everywhere, always attentive, flirtatious, but never playing hard-to-get, which is what most “nice” girls had been brought up to be. So when the four got together for their Martini-Mondays, Tequila-Tuesdays, or the Free-Styling-Fridays for laughs, cocktails, and weekends-away plans, any guests that happened to wander into their circle were extraneous. Even lovely Dianna Wintworth, the “Vaseline heiress” who was good for a few laughs and for the expensive furs and accessories she’d always wear. Carlton would get her drunk, Henry would get her laughing, and Frag and Marv would start trying on her minks or sables and flounce around doing their “high-society dame” routines and lip-synching to Patty Page and Jo Stafford records on the juke box. A good time was had by all, especially when they would roll Dianna into a cab around 8 and start their weekends “at the cabin”.

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Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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Sybil's "Stroll Down Memory Lane"... Hollywood in 1950

My dear pal, Marilyn McAfee, found this photo taken at my Westwood Village home in 1950... it shows Marilyn Monroe visiting for lunch that day. She was just beginning to get more and more notoriety in Hollywood, and her career seemed about to take off. Sadly, she felt that no one took her seriously as a legitimate actress, and so, after a few cocktails, quite early in the day (10 AM!!!), she would do things to get attention, including jumping about on the furniture and reciting various passages from Shakespeare, Shaw, and O'Neill....along with the sing-song chant of "Bouncy! Bouncy! I'm a Flouncy!".... most people didn't mind so much, but they DID mind when she did it in her panties!!....and in front of President Truman! I said to her, "Marilyn! You get right upstairs and put a skirt on! If not for my sake or Harry's, at least for MRS. TRUMAN'S!!!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... early television takes on the holidays...

With all this talk of Christmas TV Specials at the Holiday season, did I ever tell you about my early days on TV starting in 1950? I was a guest star on several of those shows until Joe McCarthy and the Red Scare got me blacklisted from show business for wearing a pink bouclé lunch suit to Roy Cohn's birthday party.... and to think that my own series "Bachelorette Alien From Another World" was replaced by "My Favorite Martian"…because Bill Bixby and Ray Walston were Republicans!... (bastards!).

Here are the roles I played on each one of those shows!!......   

     1) Twilight Zone: I played the nice toy store lady that sold the family the jumbo-sized tub of Silly Putty. It magically began to sing a moving rendition of “Oh, Holy Night” after the second commercial break… and then ate them all in the final scene…

     2) Roy Rogers: I played “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl” who won the Cowboys vs. Comanches softball finals in the 9th inning!....in the snow.

     3) Bob Hope Show: I was cast as Bob Hope’s otolaryngologist for three seasons of head colds, until it was decided that his nose was finally “incurable”… and possibly terminal.

     4) The Honeymooners: I was cast as Ralph’s Aunt Cornelia, the “bus fare cheat” who would sneak onto city buses disguised as a parcel of groceries that someone had left behind… I was only caught when Ralph groped my lamb-shank and tried nibbling on my tollhouse cookies…

     5) The Real McCoys: I was cast as Widow Brokoff who had a crush on Grandpappy Amos, but kicked him in the shin when he wouldn’t take me to “the ice cream sociable” as Suzy Snowflake.

     6) The Untouchables: I was cast as mob boss “Francine Nitti”…. The twin sister of Frank, and much more deadly, especially when I riddled a backyard Christmas creche with machine gun fire, blowing holes through two shepherds, a camel, and a little drummer boy.

     7) The Beverly Hillbillies: I was cast as Nancy Culp’s stunt double in a Nativity scene. Jethro ran over me ...with a goat!

     8) The Lone Ranger: I again reappeared as “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl”, but I had given up softball to become the wife of Tonto…. He changed his mind at the altar, and ran away again with the “Masked Avenger”!...... (Jeeesh!)

     9) Leave It To Beaver: I was cast as Eddie Haskell’s mother decorating the Christmas tree with him, but she ends up in an asylum for “Parents Of The Criminally Insane” when Eddie tries plugging her into a frayed extension cord.

   10) The Three Stooges: I was cast as “Floribunda”, the only female stooge…..literally a “Stoogiatrix”… nobody cared.

   11) Gilligan’s Island: I was cast as “Amelia Earhart”……. enough said….

   12) I Dream Of Jeannie: I was cast as Bombazina, a belly-dancer with a raisin in her navel. The Ivory Soap sponsors dropped the show that night.

   13) I Love Lucy: I was cast as Gretel, Ethel’s long lost identical twin visiting for the Holidays…. Fred pushed me down the back stairs, thinking I was Ethel…

   14) Lost In Space: I played Bugreena, the green lady who falls in love with Zachary Smith… “Handsome, pretty handsome Dr. Smith!!”…..need I say that he turned out to be the biggest girl on the set?!?!

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SYBIL'S CINEMA! The "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?" series... SUNSET BOULEVARD. (1950)…

I've proposed some epilogues to Hollywood to be shown after the credits roll on some well-loved films. Perfect for those stories and characters you just want to go on and on and on…

SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950): Shortly after her arrest for the murder of the unfortunate script-writer-gigolo Joe Gillis, Norma Desmond is vilified by the public as a self-indulgent and ridiculous has-been tossed aside by the studio system that had worshipped her 30 years earlier. Sentenced to a mental institution for being "emotionally inconvenienced during the commission of a Class A felony", she is treated with extensive electro-convulsive therapy along with insulin-shock, ice baths, and prolonged sitting in front of a mirror while being forced to make funny faces and lip-synching to Gene Autry records. Finally she is released on good behavior, and she retires to Malibu where she opens a health-food and “yoga-with-yogurt” spa. She changes her name to Normaste Desmond... and lives to be 98. Max continued to work for her... at the juice bar...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "30 DAYS OF THANKSGIVING!".... and tonight's mystery guest....

"Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to WHAT'S MY SIDE DISH? Our celebrity panel will now try to figure out exactly what the next side dish is...and which relative had the nerve to bring it to your Thanksgiving table.. Let's start with Miss Kilgallen!"….

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