Sybil Bruncheon's "Our Little Peoples' Library"...

Hello, Boys & Girls! Do you like to read?... oh, I hope so! It's very nice to let our imaginations help create the stories we hear, as opposed to sitting like dumb-ass Uncle Alf, or Drunky Cousin Julie, (or maybe even your parents and let the TV do all the thinking for the day!) Here are three books that are currently in your school library, but don't let the titles fool you! They're a good deal more interesting than they sound!… and Mummie will tell you a few more fascinating details about each of them, but don't worry! I won't spoil the stories or the surprise endings...

THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY MUSKRAT: Published by the Bedtime Story Books Co. and written by Thornton W. Burgess (later tried and convicted of espionage against His Majesty's Royal Navy). Jerry, though a rodent, proves to be extremely clever and even infernally brilliant at tricking various other animals in the village of Little Puddle-Wink into mischief, mayhem... and finally, murder. Fully illustrated including this cover of Jerry giving a ride to Mayor Tim-Toad Terwilliger across Lake Loon. Unfortunately, toads are not very good swimmers, and Jerry has fooled Mayor Tim Toad into playing "Let's Ride A Submarine"... can you guess who's the submarine... and who isn’t?

THE PIE AND THE PATTY PAN by Beatrix Potter: An early story by Miss Potter, long before she found her fame with much more wholesome characters like Peter Rabbit and his bunny family! She had started her career not with animals but with inanimate objects that had become living, talking, anthropomorphized beings, often wearing clothes, holding jobs, and even engaging in questionable “adult practices”. Her first stories were directed at young girls and their education in housekeeping, mothering their dolls, and “lady arts”. THE PIE AND THE PATTY PAN sounded at first like some sort of story about cooking and dessert, but within a page or so, the Patty Pan revealed its desire to fiercely spank a perfectly innocent and trusting Pie… and in a fiery oven fully illustrated as a 9th circle of Hell, complete with demonic rolling pins and other kitchen utensils waving red hot forks over their heads. This book is NOT for the faint of heart… or for diabetics.

FRISKY SQUIRREL’S STORY: … by someone named Amy Prentice; The title, the cover art, the opening page… it all claimed to be a merry little children’s story, but the more you looked, the more dry, ordinary, almost banal it was. Indeed there was nothing frisky about the title character, his cohorts, the prose, the so-called plot and adventures… nothing. Cover to cover, it read more like an FBI dossier except with furry forest animals and their vegetable and flower pals; Mr. Howard Badger smuggled his next door neighbor Blackie Raven out of the basement with a briefcase full of hollow walnuts, Mrs. Gertrude Stoat confronted Fred Weasel about their history overseas in a petting zoo reserved for Ferrets and their associates, Lipshitz Lambkin escaped his pen disguised as an artichoke at three in the morning and informed the Bulb Council that a tulip was hiding in a bed of daffodils… possibly armed with a fully loaded carrot…

Just as each chapter would end, instead of a resolution there would be a short addendum claiming “More Information Is Pending.” Within a week of publication and release to Children’s Book Stores, there were claims that government officials, intelligence agencies, and foreign embassies were deciphering all sorts of top secret “intel” hidden in the remarkably dull tales. And code breakers by the hundreds were assigned the task of figuring out anagrams from the characters’ names. The best they could come up with included “Queer Pooterzj”, “Commy Pinqbottum”, and “Haz Coootie derr”.  Even the name Amy Prentice only turned into “May Pet Nicer”, or “Meant Pricey”, or “Prince Meaty”… whatever…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "A Few of My Favorite Things"... John DiLeo's "There Are No Small Parts"...

You know when someone gives you a box of luxury chocolates, maybe for your birthday?... no, I'm talking about LUXURY chocolates! Not some past-its-freshness-date Whitman's sampler from the corner drugstore or a Fanny Farmer hand-me-down from Aunt Edith! I'm talking about Teuscher Champagne Truffles with NO crushed red velvet bow or a smirking bunny with a bent tinfoil ear... ok? You get the idea! Well, if you've ever had the delicious pleasure of that, you know that you savor each one you carefully lift from its pleated paper cup. You really look at it, maybe smell the deep chocolate perfume coming off it before you slowly slip it into your mouth. There's no racing through the box, wedging one after another, unfinished onto the conveyor belt of your gaping tongue and maw, right? It's an exercise in being present and appreciative of something truly wonderful...

Well! Having said all that, there is a newly published book by a truly wonderful writer and film fanatic who has over-ridden any restraint you might have to "savoring", blah, blah, blah! It's "THERE ARE NO SMALL PARTS" by John DiLeo; a collection of extraordinary essays on film performances of ten minutes or less that are unforgettable, perhaps even iconic, and that are immediately recognizable. Even if you "can't quite place the name" of the actor, you might be able to recite every line, and with the same cadences and emotions that earned them a place in this book! Reading these essays, starting with the first one of Elsa Lanchester's in BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935), you may find yourself gobsmacked by DiLeo's astute joy and celebration of each actor's incredible talent in such a small space; how can an artist render so much with so little? Well, that's genius for you! Eleven of these one hundred gems were nominated for Oscars, and two won, each with an onscreen time of less than 7 minutes! An Oscar in less than 7 minutes!!! Talk about nuance!

Reading some of these essays may bring you to knowing laughter, some may move you to tears, but all of them will certainly impress you with DiLeo's knowledge and discernment. I opened the book and sat stunned that he had chosen performances, one after another, that I had always treasured, even as a child. And how wonderful too, to see major stars take a brief turn "just for the fun of it"; Marlene Dietrich in TOUCH OF EVIL (1958), Gene Hackman in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974), or Al Pacino in ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD (2019).

Back to the box of chocolates; I savor a box of Teuscher Champagne Truffles, one at a time, and certainly NOT finishing all of them in one sitting. Sadly, these essays are so delicious that many readers have stated that they opened the book... and read on and on, page after page, gorging themselves on his erudition, humor, wisdom, and on the combination of his subjects' brilliance and his for celebrating it... I am one of those readers!... wolfing down one after another, swearing to take a break, and making the mistake of "oh, just one more"! Why couldn't he have made it 200 performances??... Or is there perhaps a sequel?? (I hope, I hope, I hope!)... Thank God, gorging on John DiLeo is non-fattening. Oh, and when you've finished, you can start all over again!

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Reading Sizzlers!...

Hey, Folks! It's Holiday time, and everyone's asking Santa for some nice new books for the New Year! Are YOU???

...well, Mummie found some reading suggestions for you from a place called Porny Place Publishers, and they're exactly the kind of books that will get you noticed at the next meeting at your book club!... maybe even by that Amway heiress from Omaha... or a European count from a postage-stamp principality!... Yay!!!

Here you go!... "Homosexual Train"… is followed by "Gender Reassigned Tramp Steamer", "I'm Bi On My Tricycle", "Daughters of Lesbos 18-Wheeler", “Tranny Trolley”, “Homo Hobo Highway”, and "Queer Studebaker"... the final books in the series are... "I Became A Eunuch On A Unicycle"... "Wimp Wagon Weenies"… and "Man-Lady On Roller Blades!"…

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Sybil Bruncheon's Summer Reading Sizzlers!...

Hey, Folks! It's July, and everyone's barbers, therapists, and acupuncturists are at the beach! Are YOU??? ...well, Mummie found some reading suggestions for you from a place called Porny Place Publishers, and they're exactly the kind of books that will get you noticed at the next meeting at your book club!... maybe even by that Amway heiress from Omaha... or a European count from a postage-stamp principality!... Yay!!!

Here you go!... "Homosexual Train"… is followed by "Gender Reassigned Tramp Steamer", "I'm Bi On My Tricycle", "Daughters of Lesbos 18-Wheeler", “Tranny Trolley”, “Homo Hobo Highway”, and "Queer Studebaker"... the final books in the series are... "I Became A Eunuch On A Unicycle"... "Wimp Wagon Weenies"… and "Man-Lady On Roller Blades!"…

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SYBIL BRUNCHEON'S "LITTLE PEOPLE'S LAUGHING LIBRARY"

The Sugar & Spice series of books;

Volume 1 is "Mommy Says I'm Ugly". The Sugar & Spice publishers DID eliminate the sequel, "Mommy Says I'm Ugly So I Made It Look Like She Smoked In Bed".... but they reissued it as a manual for local volunteer fire departments....and funeral directors. Other books soon to be released in the series include;

Volume 2 - "A Nice Man Played Cards With Daddy, And They Told Me To Go Out And Play When They Had No Clothes On"

Volume 3 - "Doggies Like To Ride Each Other"

Volume 4 - "My Doggie Likes To Ride Me.... And I Let Him"

Volume 5 - "Mommy Cooks And Neighborhood Pets Don’t Come Home Anymore”"

Volume 6 - "Mr. Green Has A Funny Garage With Strange Tools Shaped Like Cucumbers"

Volume 7 - "My Big Sister Traded Me My Football For All Her Pretty Make-Up And I Wore Some In Front Of My Coach"

Volume 8 - "Debbie Pushes People In Front Of Things That Go HONK!"

Volume 9 - "Muriel Likes To Have Things That Other People Spent Money On"

Volume 10 - "Dickie Wants To Tell You A Funny Story In A Room With No Lights"....

Stay tuned for new and wonderful stories coming out in time for the new school year. And many of them will have pictures!... for people who don't like to read... and you know who you are.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s Collection of the World’s Shortest Unfinished Novels...

1) His career descended into a slurry of endless days spent sprawling on the stained sofa, swallowing handfuls of stale potato chips from the bowls resting under his chin, and slaking his salted thirst in gallons of crème de menthe drunk straight from their cheerless little sample bottles. (“Mr. Sollomsby’s Mettle” by Philip Pothe – 1921)

2) Little Marguerite had never seen one so big, let alone touched one, as she was instructed to in a kindly, but firm fashion with much stuttering and blinking by old Professor Zsimkitz. (“The Bad Man Finds a Friend” by Clarentula Chafe – 1910… part of her twelve part “Dear Little Marguerite” series)

3) There are those who travel to Comely Corners for the waters, and others for the strange natural beauty of the place. Norbert was neither off these, and never would be, especially after that evening of raspberry macaroon scented candles, charades, and murder. (“Hideous Tales From Inspector Dalrymple’s Diary” by Dame Hogdenne Fusture -1916)

4) However could she explain the mirth she felt when she saw the rhubarb crumble that had meant so much in her childhood with the gypsies that kidnapped her and her donkey Ferdy-kins? (“Around the Many Lands She Traipsed” by Norris Peetch – 1931)

5) The little gold-plated pocket-watch which had seen so many misadventures, and been loved, desired, trusted, or ignored but owned by so many hands finally lay on the dresser, permanently still and asleep for the first time in its one hundred and twenty years, never to brightly tick again. (“The Little Gold-Plated Pocket-Watch” [–working title only!] by Calliope Sternhausen – 1928)

6) “Who dares to call at the Great Quay? Who dares?”, boomed the dark voice from behind the weathered oaken doors rising above the moat… followed by quacking. (“Prince Cuandor and the Appalling Netherparts of Skrotusland” by Myrtle Simmietin – 1908… with illustrations by Myrna Simmietin, her twin sister!)

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