Sybil Bruncheon's NEW YEAR'S CELEBRATING: Before & After… A Cautionary “Tail”......

Oh, yes!! The party started out happily enough....a beautiful spread of delicacies, the right beverages, frisky music choices, festive party decorations, and games to play! But within an hour Melvin had grown bored and sullen. He began to reminisce about "missed mouse-opportunities" over the last 6 of his lives. Sulking, he slunk off to a corner and could not be cheered or engaged, either by a laser-pointer or a giant catnip toy shaped like Charlie the Tuna.

Gino, usually a big flirt on the back fence and always handy with a funny anecdote, descended into unwarranted bullying, face smacking, making stupid puns, and poking Melvin with his party hat. It only made Melvin sadder and he started yowling "The Legend of Billy McCaw" and miming sword fights with the curtains, which soon came down in a heap... causing more yowling, and even some spitting!

Big Clem, had started out the evening asleep in the chip bowl, and seemed content to remain there, snoring through all the drama… and the Fritos. But now, as the party became a nightmare, he added to the ruckus by snoring and FARTING... loudly.... and almost "musically", although it frightened most of the ladies present, and confused the guests over by the cheese tray.

And Handsome Herbie, always showing off his good looks and poise, ended up overindulging and vomiting into his hat!.... The whole evening basically "went to the dogs"!!

Please folks, use some sensible restraint tonight! Urge your cats to drink responsibly, or to assign a designated driver! DON'T let this happen to you!!! If you think you need help with YOUR unruly pussy, dial K-I-T-T-Y-K-A-O-S-S…that’s right, just dial 548-895-2677. The nice man will tell you how to order…or how to wrangle your cats.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas, and the morning-after"...

Police Blotters across the country... a reindeer's life isn't all glamour!

1) Franklin Falls, Maine: "Dasher" O'Rourke caught outside the Mr. Inkster Tattoo Pad seriously inebriated and yelling that the new tattoo on his left hindquarter was misspelled from "Look At My Holly" to "Look At My Holey".

2) Ganesford, Iowa: "Dancer" Dunigan arrested inside the Could Care Less All-Night Carousel clad only in a coconut brassiere and grass skirt, pole dancing for a large contingent of heterosexual Danish sailors. Dunigan had made several inappropriate and graphic advances of a sexaul nature on the patrons, and threatened to gore many of them if they didn't show him their "pastries". In the cruiser, he collapsed and was rushed to the Ganesford Petting zoo in a diabetic coma.

3) Feldspar, Arizona: "Prancer" Dunigan, twin brother to Dancer, returned quietly after his annual Christmas marathon only to find his home burglarized and occupied by three hoodlums from The Elfa-Bets, the infamous numbers racketeers and Ponzi-schemers. They had vandalized his entire home, and destroyed his collections of Lladro Hans Christian Andersen fairy-tale characters and his Hummels of El Greco saints. The police arrived right after he had taken an antique blunderbuss down from the fireplace mantel and blew the three little elves to the Land Of Nod. The coroner pronounced them dead at the scene. Charges are pending.

4) Pleasant Hill, Montana: "Vixen" Wilcox was arrested with an entire crowd of head-bangers and Mary Kay salesladies during a meth-lab/mah-jongg gambling ring raid. Handcuffed in a chain of thirty other miscreants, he pleaded with the officers and various cattle-wranglers that he didn't understand why other players kept yelling "Crack" and "Bam"... his bail is set at $25,000 in cash or candy canes.

5) Minnehaha Village, Minnesota: "Comet" Banton was found unconscious in an alley behind the Minnehaha Grain & Feed Emporium with an overturned jug of corn-liquor beside him. He was only identified by Cliff Spurgeon, the on-duty manager of the local AA shelter, since his wallet and bridle had been stolen. Instead of arresting Banton, the police left him at the shelter to sleep it off, and have a hearty meal of hay in the morning... if he could keep it down. Banton rolled his eyes and told the cops, "You know what Comet rhymes with, right?".

6) Jonquil Junction, Delaware: "Cupid" Connors, formerly a trusted family man now has one of the longest rap sheets among the ruminant crowd. Left by his wife last Christmas, it was revealed in February that he had been married thirty-seven times before, and in fourteen countries!... and that he had skipped out on all alimony and child support cases. He was picked up by police at the Cuddly Corner Diner having a cup of hot chocolate with their night shift waitress Bernice Cubbins. She reported that he had proposed they elope to the North Pole later after her shift.

7) Abenrathy Place, Connecticut: "Donner" Fitzroy, of the famously aristocratic Fitzroy Foundry family, was stopped by police for drunk driving just outside of Greenwich. He had swerved, he claimed, to miss a squirrel running out in the street with what looked like a walnut chest of drawers, possibly either George II or Chippendale... he couldn't tell because one of his headlights was out. The police impounded the vehicle, a 1930 Duesenberg, and only found the "faun-porn" in the back seat later. Fitzroy's family posted the $2 million bail and rushed him away from the onslaught of press and media clamoring for photos and tawdry tell-all stories.

8) Larabee, Idaho: "Blitzen" Billbathy, aka "Blizen", "Blit-sin", "Bizem", "Bison", and "Bosun"... wanted in several states for elaborate stock (and stockyard!) scams and for selling contaminated cans of fake venison to NRA sponsored charities. Bogus bond trading, real estate inflating, mortgage kiting, and arson charges alerted the state police, and he was apprehended after a brief snowball fight. No one was injured but the sheriff was gored in the... um... "central meso-buttocks area". He is expected to recover everything but his pride.

9) Reports of a 9th reindeer, drunk and with rosacea are still being investigated... Details at 6. Hoof prints at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Holiday Reminder!... A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM P.E.T.A…

… is YOUR pet safe from the dangers of OVER-celebrating?"...

The heartbreak of alcohol abuse in the modern pet household... Does your pet drink privately when you're at work??... Have you ever seen your pet casually brush things off kitchen counters while staring at you... or pretend to read the newspaper, and then eat it?... Does he or she hide stashes of catnip or old smelly socks under sofas, in cardboard boxes, or buried in houseplants?... Does your four-legged friend cry inconsolably during broadcasts of the Westminster Kennel Club show... or old Nine Lives commercials??... Does your pet secretly entertain OTHER pets in your home when you're away on vacation, possibly while wearing a coconut brassiere and a grass skirt?... Have you found livestock-nudey magazines, kitten calendars, cassette tapes involving barnyard sounds, or OTHER pets' collars in YOUR underwear drawer???... Has your pet begun to wear make-up, very subtle at first, but gradually tending towards evening make-up for just a simple walk around the block in the morning?.. and finally lipstick way outside its lip line? These are all warning signs of the lonely downward spiral of pet-substance-abuse... don't let shame or "magical thinking" keep YOU from helping your loved one!!!! Act now!!!!!! Dial P-U-S-S-Y D-R-U-N-K today! That's right! Dial 787-793-7865....There's no time to waste!!!...

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