Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking (and Broken!) News... from CNN... This just in!...

Indicted George Santos from NY's 3rd congressional district has increased his delusional claims even in the face of 13 criminal charges against him concerning a host of felonies totaling hundreds of years in prison should he be found guilty... the following claims are now added to his past ones;

1] He claims to be a 3000 lb. turnip capable of feeding hundreds of vegans should a famine hit the Trump owned golf club at Ferry Point in the Bronx, NY... Santos stated that Trump will be renaming Ferry Point to "Fairy Point" because, after all, Santos is gay... and a lesbian as well!

2] He claims that not only are his parents Jewish but they have been Jewish for millions of years, dating back to the Jurassic Period... He stated that his parents are so Jewish, that they will make themselves into huge portions of chicken soup to cure the world permanently of the common cold.

3] He claims that, as a baby, he was the first example of Artificial Intelligence. Sadly, his gears and pulleys were extremely uncomfortable for his mother to pass through her uterus and vagina "despite heavy lubrication with Quaker State Motor Oil"... and Hellmann's Mayonnaise. He has assured his congressional district that he will pick up all the expenses for his double AA batteries... from Energizer!... after all, he IS the model for the Energizer Bunny!

4] He claims that although he is not the second coming of the Messiah, he IS the second coming of a kosher baloney sandwich served at the Last Supper... right there in the painting to the left of the Apostles Paul... and Kim Kardashian. Hold the mustard!

5] He claims that he's a kitty, or possibly a monkey crossed with a kitty... and an egg... but an Easter Egg!!… or a Faberge Egg!…

6] He claims that he can grow kilim rugs on his body, and provide luxury interior design services to wealthy contributors to his campaign. If a client prefers sisal, he'll be happy to eat straw for a few weeks for special orders... please bring your own lawnmower...

7] He claims that he is an as-yet-undiscovered planet in our own solar system. When he finally is discovered, he DOES insist on being announced by Neil deGrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, or Galileo... even if one of them is dead.. or two... whatever. He also insists on being named "Big Round Boy"... or "Mr. Sparkly"... he will have a moon or two... made of cheese.

8] He claims that although he is gay, it is only on Tuesdays.. and he still likes women and... cement.

Stay tuned for more claims, verifiable or not. Details at 6. Electro-convulsive therapy at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "An Earnest Prayer at the Holiday"…

Sybil drawing by Michael Margulies.

Oh, Lamb of Love! Oh, Prince of Infinite Wisdom and Unending Kindness… please find forgiveness in your Immeasurable Heart for me, an inveterate and unworthy sinner! I humbly make these requests that you patiently heal and cure me of my imperfections…

 1)   Please help me to resist haranguing willfully stupid people about their forlorn condition… specifically yelling, often in public places like cafés, sweet, little town squares, and make-up counters, that they are both stupid AND willful. Perhaps you could help me to only yell at them about being willful OR stupid, but never both at the same time.

2)   Please help me to be more open to the morons around me who reject 21st century learning and science. Perhaps they are right after all!... that the Earth is indeed flat, and that if we drive far enough in our pick-up trucks (the ones with the Confederate flag decals and the “I Like Beer” license plate) we will indeed fall off the edge!! Mightn’t they be correct? After all, how could or would God possibly make our planet a ball (of all shapes!) and then, more importantly need to figure out how to stick our feet all over it so we couldn’t fall off it? I mean, does he use invisible God-glue of some sort? How do people in Australia, and Tierra del Fuego, and the South Pole for Heaven’s sake?... How do they stay stuck to a ball? No, the flat-worlders in some way must be right, and why do I continue to try to convince them otherwise? Help me to stop. And don’t get me started on the Earth going around the Sun…

3)   Please help me to be more trusting of people who don’t believe that modern medicine can cure our ills. Why SHOULD we allow so-called doctors to stick needles into us? After all, how can anything that hurts actually be good for us? Why, it’s like we’re being turned into voo-doo dolls. And how do we know WHY they’re sticking us? What the Hell is IN those needles? And what’s all this talk about measles, tetanus, dip-dip-dip-whatever! And POLIO! I’ve never even KNOWN someone with polio! Maybe it’s not real, right?

4)   And lastly, oh, Lord, please help me to be as patient with the woefully mendacious, the assertively vile, the careless and cruel, the prideful and hubris-filled… even as you are patient with me. I thank you… and am infernally… er… eternally grateful!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Just my opinion... BUT!"...

Sybil photo by Jack D. Pedota, styled by Susan Suka Taylor

1) Jar Jar Binks is one of the most loathsome characters in the history of fiction. Tedious, incoherent, and physically too ugly to live... as though Jabba the Hutt had finally taken a sh*t after two weeks of constipation... and it decided to talk.

2) Urkel... clear evidence that one last attempt was made in the 20th century to create a Steppin' Fetchit minstrel character to insult African Americans' intelligence and culture, (apparently with cooperation from some of them themselves...)

3) Aunt Alicia was right! "Bad table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity." Travel the country and watch how people hold their forks... and chew.

4) Perhaps this covid epidemic and all the obsession over cleanliness, contamination, and the transmission of germs and disease will finally convince people to keep their filthy feet off publicly used furniture and seating, especially in airports and in Starbucks!... then again... probably not.

5) The death penalty is not much of a penalty. We ALL die eventually, and most of us die rather badly. Very few people die peacefully in their sleep at a great old age, after a long, healthy, and problem-free life. So if we really want to punish someone, give him a life sentence in an appalling place with excellent medical care but unending squalor, deprivation, and despair... among his own kind.

6) Now that humans have developed simulated violence as entertainment, we watch "real housewives" instead of gladiators or chariot races. Their forlorn misadventures and mischiefs are like all reality television; a combination of metaphorical sword fights, joustings, fiery car crashes, and disembowelments. Sadly, we still seem to need "Ultimate Fighting Championships" and bullfighting.

7) All intelligence is not a matter of what one knows, but what one is curious to find out. The greatest minds through history have been insatiably curious, and usually felt at the end of their lives that they knew so little, and were filled with an overwhelming desire to learn more. Avoid anyone who is the dead opposite of this, especially in politics... or in your family… or in mine!

8) Kindness can be found anywhere and everywhere, and under the most surprising circumstances and from the most surprising sources... unfortunately monstrous cruelty can be found under exactly the same parameters. I have no idea what this means. But one must be ferocious... and be ready to do great and terrible things for one's loved ones… and for the causes one cares about.

9) It's better to know the worst in a situation, make arrangements and strategies that will serve you, and hope for the best in case things turn out better than you expected. In any case, remember to be Present, to be Mindful, and to be Grateful. Everything around us is Borrowed... only Borrowed.

10) In my experience, it seems that people through history who lived very long lives, weren't necessarily better off or even "happier". Indeed, many of them seem to have been full of turmoil, conflict and struggle, but... they all seem to have "burned" for something. They burned brightly for things they cared about. They were committed to things that mattered. They lived authentically and vividly, often at odds with most people around them. They had light coming out of them, and did not require others to provide their light, their truth, or their purpose... or even to validate the mystery of their existence... interesting.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Children's Stories for Adults... and Vice Versa!"... The Hunted!

... and so, even though he had had a couple of close calls in which he had narrowly escaped, the lawsuits descended on him in packs, literally nipping at his heels and those of his family as they scrambled to escape through the mounting challenges. Their options and opportunities vanished or even became impediments as more and more adversaries chased and chased... nipping, biting, and literally bleeding them dry. One by one, his former friends, fellow conspirators, and even his own skank-litter fell, exhausted and humiliated, and were torn to pieces. Torn to pieces... and ruined... all ruined...

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Sybil Bruncheon's Tales From Other Worlds... or... Are They?...

"Pathetic Earth creatures! We have come a great distance from another world. Our own planet was not enough for our delights. We have eaten our pets, burned our forests, gouged our mountains, and soiled our oceans. It was great fun, but now we want to do the same to yours. Offer us your abundant plenty, and we will allow you to protect one of your puny offspring from our kitchens during our feast time. One youngling only! In honor of our own beloved Spawn, who we hatched from his larva-sack and crowned as our pupa-prince. Note his oh-so-delicate fore-pincers; small and very sophisticated, and how he waves them about when he harangues his hive-ettes. Worship him and obey his whims lest you incur his righteous wrath. Build huge hive-walls to protect him from brown-things... and tremble in awe of his mighty cranium-pod covered in orange bug-silk! Bzzzzzzzz!!!!!!"

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Sybil Bruncheon's "People In Poetry"... page 91. ... "Dear Little Nancy on Voting Day!"...

Dear Little Nancy liked to skip and play.

Did she keep her Promises? No one could say.

Nancy said she’d register to VOTE and do her Duty.

But Mondays she always devoted to her day of Beauty.

Tuesdays are for visiting and chatting over Lunch!

Wednesdays are for Shopping and a large Rum Punch!

And don’t you know that Thursday’s a fine day to rest?

And then it’s time for Friday! Please don’t be a Pest!

Here it is the Weekend, and Friends have come to Town.

Time to have a Picnic and wear a Gingham Gown.

Day by Day and Week by Week, her Duty she’d forgotten.

And Folks began to gossip now, her Reputation rotten.

The months slid by, from Spring to Fall, her Duty ne’er remembered.

And finally it was Voting Day, the first Tuesday in November.

Dear Nancy came to the Polling Place, but was promptly turned away.

The nice Ladies there said, “Your name’s not here! You clearly mayn’t stay!”

But Nancy fussed and stamped her Feet and loudly made a Row!

“I care not what y’ say to me! I’ve come to VOTE right now!”

A nice Policeman passing by did seize her by her hair,

and swung her high around his Head and threw her through the Air.

She came down KOOOSH! upon the ground, some 20 feet or so.

An hour later she awoke, quite cross, and moaning low.

A kindly Lady passing by asked her what was wrong.

And Nancy told her Tale of woe, which really was much too long.

The Lady smiled and helped her up and invited her to tea.

“The polls are closed. You did not VOTE. You come along with me.”

They walked eleven miles or so, and down a Country lane,

And into woods so dark and deep. Then it began to rain.

Dear Nancy said that she was tired and longed to have a Rest.

The kindly Lady pointed to her Cottage on the Crest.

They tumbled in out of the rain to get so warm and cozy.

The House was sweet, and very clean and smelled of Spice and Posy.

“Now let me put a Kettle on, and you play with both my kitties.

Their names are Biff and Lancelot! Come along my little pretties!”

Nancy reached out to pet the Pair, but Biff gave her some Nips.

She pulled her bleeding Hand away, and Lancelot licked his lips.

She tried again to be a Friend and promptly got some Scratches.

The Lady then walked in the room and brought a box of Matches.

“I said before you did not VOTE! You did not pick a winner!

You did not do your Duty dear, and now you’ll be our Dinner!”.

The Lady lunged at Nancy then and gave her quite a Fright!

She grabbed her hem, and lit a match and set her dress alight.

Dear Nancy jumped and yowled so! Imagine her dismay.

It crossed her mind, “It’s Tuesday though! It’s Lunch and Visit day!”.

The flames leaped higher, higher then and burned her to a crisp

With little hissing “essing” sounds, (Nance always had a lisp!)

The Lady stuffed her full of peas, some carrots and a shallot.

Poor Nancy might have saved herself if she’d only cast a ballot.

She ended up inside their tummies, don’t think me too uncouth.

Just think how nice it might have been inside a Voting Booth.

Well that’s our tale of Nancy, dear. And Darlings, Please take note!

When Mummie says she loves you so, GO REGISTER AND VOTE!

(from SybilSez.com and Sybilbruncheon.com)

Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween: The very bad witch!...

Once upon a time, there was a very bad witch! Well... VERY bad!... bad, yes! But interestingly, all she wanted was to be loved! YES! LOVED!!.. (can you imagine?)

Sadly, she did bad things... fairly often. And she didn't seem to be able to control it. As a matter of fact, most of the people who ever met her... most of the people in the entire kingdom thought she was the most rotten person they'd ever met; the most rotten person they had ever learned about in history class, or heard about in fairy tales, or even read about in... um... cookbooks, or nudey magazines, or boy scout guides...

And what made it all worse was that her bad deeds got more and more intensely bad. She said more and more vile things, and DID them too. And made friends with other bad people... and encouraged them to do worse and worse things. And she never had to pay for any of the bad things she said or did... and sometimes she'd even try to help her bad friends to get out of trouble, although not always. Sometimes she got people into trouble and was their friend on a Monday, but by Wednesday, she pretended she didn't even know them.

Anyway, the bad-very-bad witch kept casting her spells over the people of her kingdom, some of whom were too stupid to know what was happening to them, or even seem to care. And life went on like this for a while. There was no handsome prince, no knight on horseback, no seven little dwarves, no good witch, or kindly wizard, no unicorn, or magic slipper, or magic spell, or magic potion!... not even a bucket of water.... NOTHING! Nothing to stop the bad witch once and for all.

The only good thing in all this mess, was that the rottenness, the spite, and malice, the selfishness, and the badness finally, finally began to show. You see, boys and girls, "The eyes are the windows to the soul"... ask your kindly grandma or funny Uncle Buck and his boyfriend what that means. They'll tell you... And because the bad things began to show in the eyes of the bad witch and her friends, they were easy to spot walking down the street, or passing you in the store, or smiling at you in the PTA meeting. And because you could see who they were by what they had become... you could make sure that YOU didn't become one of them. And some people lived happily ever after. The End... (for now...)

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Breaking News from the CNN News Desk: Clowning around...

Hollywood releases plans for another remake of Stephen King's IT and holds open calls for the role of Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Thwarting his cabinet's advice, the president declared that, as an actor, he had "great and unmatched wisdom" for auditioning. "After all, look how I played myself on The Apprentice... or the Sorcerer's Apprentice... or... whatever!".

Greeted by hooting, pointing, and raucous laughter, mostly by interns and cleaning staff, the president was turned away from the casting office as soon as he walked in, but he was offered a dinner theater tour of BLOW ME A POODLE-BALLOON, the musical biography of Twinkle the Birthday Clown who died in a fiery clown-car crash with 47 co-workers. The catastrophe nearly wiped out the entire children's birthday-party industry in the 1950s. The whole score is played on a calliope... and an assortment of trained-seal horns. Details at 6. Cream pies at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Helpful Hints for a Healthy Household”… Pests...

Sybil, how do I keep fungi, molds, and hideous infections, blights, and pests from ruining my garden?

Two ways:

a) Watch for and cure problems as early as possible without procrastinating. Use organic means to kill diseases, preferably with non-poisonous side-effects, and try to let natural allies like ladybugs, dragonflies, bats, etc. keep your unwanted invaders in check.

b) VOTE.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Helpful Hints for a Healthy Household”… Filthy contaminants...

Sybil, how do I protect myself from germs, bacteria, viruses, and filthy contaminants when I'm working around my house?

Two ways:

a) Purchase and always wear a pair of rubber gloves when handling anything that might pose a health hazard to you and your family.

b) VOTE.

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