Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs"... Just lick here!...

Imagine my dismay, after saving green stamps for decades, never cashing them in on small, stupid household items, and finally having enough (literally 14 boxcars full) to buy the Chrysler Building (on page 343 of their catalogue!)... and to be told, "I'm sorry ma'am, S&H green stamps has gone out of business... but it sounds like you've got enough there to wallpaper a lovely guest bathroom!"...

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Tour-ette from my Cherry Grove garden on a perfect evening... feeling so grateful! 8/8/2023

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Seeing Is Believing… or is it?”...

Which of these is the correct explanation for this photo?

1) On the plant Gzzoolxton, naughty children are sent outdoors for a “time-out” as punishment. Interestingly, the term “time-out” is literal because the child is left outside for one of the interdimensional flying saucers to come by and take them to a parallel universe for several centuries… although they will still be back home in time for dinner… and a spanking.

2) Eugene Carpathy suffered from koinoniphobia: Fear of rooms! Yes, there IS an actual phobia for rooms! Can you believe it?... Oddly, Eugene only “developed” koinoniphobia after his uncle Frank asked him to repaint his four bedroom house… Frank got suspicious too when Eugene struggled with pronouncing “koinoniphobia”. He said “going-onion-phon-onia”.

3) Citizens of Badel-Badel, Hungary have a very compassionate health care system in place. No person is ever denied medical attention no matter what the malady or their financial situation. On the other hand, sometimes the treatment for various illnesses might be very similar. Fear of heights, caffeine withdrawal, willful sullenness, and chronic depression are all lumped under one “cure”… the patient is seated on a steel plate near a copper antenna rigged with yards of wire to wait for the next lightning strike… happily, there is only a nominal copay…

4) In San Souci, France, the Existential Festival on Albert Camus’ birthday was a time of yawning, sighing, staring into space, and the reciting of poetry that didn’t rhyme, usually by oneself or possibly while looking into a mirror if one wanted company. The promoters thought about marketing the weekend “Camus-Con”… but wondered… what’s the point?

5) Filbert’s incessant and deafening yodeling had completely emptied the town… Pastor Helgar dropped by to say goodbye before he left on the bus for Akron.

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From Sybil Bruncheon’s Merry Memoirs: Game Show Goofiness!

True Story! As professional and well-loved as the late Alex Trebek was on television’s iconic Jeopardy, there were apparently episodes which were shelved for any number of reasons. One in particular occurred during a game-show writers’ strike where Trebek and a late-night (and possibly drunk!) crew of cleaning staff decided to write the material for the next show… here are the topics that they surprised the players, the studio audience, and the sponsors with at show time! You decide…

1) PURPLE CLOTHING ITEMS,

2) OBLONG FRUITS AND VEGETABLES AND THEIR MISUSE BY CHILDREN,

3) FAMOUS PEOPLE EATEN BY CANNIBALS,

4) PRESIDENTS WITH SECRET BIZARRE HOBBIES,

5) ACTRESSES WITH MEN’S NAMES,

6) MEN WITH ACTRESSES’ NAMES,

7) DOGS AND CATS AND THEIR RECIPES,

8) PLANETS IN OTHER PARTS OF THE UNIVERSE,

9) FURNITURE THAT TALKS,

10) LINT

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Sybil Bruncheon's "A Simple Request"...

When I die, which is unfortunate, (but necessary!), I have the following requests to be fulfilled by my dear friends...

1] That the funeral ceremony itself should be kept to three acts, and certainly no more than five! If Shakespeare could tell his wonderful stories like HAMLET, A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM, and CORIOLANUS in five, I think it will appear that I'm filled with hubris to request an entire weekend-long cycle of recitatives, epic poem readings, interpretive dance and contortionist performances (with or without full nudity), pie eating and throwing contests, bizarre miming with quarrelsome pets, and juggling (possibly with sharp and/or burning objects).

2] That only the most attractive photographs of me be posted around the stadium (or wherever the funeral is held to contain the expected crowd) and that said-photos never be the candid ones of me bending over to dry myself fresh from the tub, eating difficult food items often from far-off countries where only Andrew Zimmer and Anthony Bourdain would eat, and finally, that set of "French post cards" I modeled for when things got particularly tight during my blacklisting in Hollywood... (Senator Joe McCarthy can go f*uck himself!)

3] Concerning the above, the "attractive" photos should be published in the hard-bound and leather trimmed funeral-program to be (forcibly!) sold to all the attendees of the funeral... $29.95... not a bad price for a 312 page volume!... especially autographed by the deceased! If enough people complain about the price, I suppose we could do a paperback version of it, but WITHOUT autographs!

4] During the breaks between the acts, when the gourmet delicacies and dinner courses are being served, there should be an open mic or perhaps several mics for guests to feel free (or pressured!) to tell cheerful and even inspiring anecdotes of my life, my talent, my physical beauty, and any stories of me saving orphans, kittens, or houseplants from devastating fires, earthquakes, or banking malfeasance.

5] The decorations and dress code should, of course, be black... but with cheerful pops of color, perhaps in boutonnieres for the men and wrist corsages for the ladies... or perhaps BOTH for the gender-fluid or reassigned mourners! (Please! No baby’s breath!) The wait-staff should be dressed in white jackets and ties so as not to confuse the guests during beverage and hors d'oeuvres service... and later during the sit-down banquets!

 6] All music both as performances during the various acts and in the background of the meals (or in the elevators) should be of an uplifting nature whether profoundly sad or raucous and even bawdily entertaining! Classical pieces, Broadway show-tunes, and sailor shanties are all welcome, especially accompanied by ballet, adagio, apache-dancing, and tap breaks! Again, partial or total nudity is permissible if it enhances the message of the musical piece. (A small stipend has been set aside for performances by outsiders who are only "guesting" at the funeral and are not actual mourners! Equity guidelines are in place... and will be strictly enforced! We can't have various show-persons hoping to take advantage of a tragic occasion to profit!)

7] At the end of the entire funeral pageant, we can politely (but firmly!) ask all the guests to please fold their chairs and stack them neatly against the walls in an orderly fashion to help the overworked wait-staff with their clean-up. A funeral that size will require at least two or three days of clean-up, and I won't have my legacy be that working people were disadvantaged or traumatized by my passing. Besides, depending on where my funeral is held, there might be other bookings or rentals to follow almost immediately: 4H Jamborees, county fairs and livestock shows, demolition derbies, or public executions.

8] During the public funeral procession to the cemetery, the crowds of mourners behind the 22-horse-drawn (highly decorated!) funeral carriage should not only openly cry, but also laugh, (loudly!) to emphasize my ability at comedy! I would prefer that they hold and read from small pamphlets of my writings and wave them in the air as they pass the hundreds of onlookers... if they laugh and point at the carriage, it may convey the wrong idea of my passing. Just a thought.

9] At the cemetery, it should be revealed that, as a surprise bonus for my guests, the coffin should not only be open, but that it should be doused with gasoline and set on fire, and that Mummie has decided to be a giant hibachi for an after-funeral barbecue! (Public cremation will also make our Indian friends and any ancient Romans feel a certain welcome to the festivities!) Square dancing, jug bands, hog-calling, and all sorts of barnyard merriment should thoroughly remove all the typical funeral-dreariness from the day (or early evening by that point!) Guests can either change into outdoor and festive attire... or disrobe completely! For vegetarian and vegan guests, a selection of kabobs should be offered. Everyone else can eat barbecued pork, chicken, sausages, beef, lamb, goat... but with their hands. There's no need at this point to drive the expense of the funeral up with fine china, silverware, and linens. Half of them are show-people anyway... they won't know the difference!

10] … and finally, please make sure to film the entire thing... every moment, every nuance, and in all the locations!... Just in case there IS some sort of after-life, I should like very much to watch it again and again and again to know that someone actually noticed I had been there at all... and wasn't anymore. In any event; don't be sad! Death will have come for me as an old and comforting friend. I thank you.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Stories For Young Scientists…

Boys and Girls! Did you know that there have been other solar eclipses at other times and in different places?? For instance, at Prendergast Point, Idaho, at the Our Lady of Merciful Miasmas Laying-In Hospital, the nursing staff took a short break on the afternoon of June 17th, 1921. Being educated and extremely scientific ladies, they had prepared thoroughly for this "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity"….. as the sky darkened and all conversation quieted, the girls marveled at the other phenomenon surrounding the event.

The birds stopped singing, crickets and other night-time creatures began to hum, and the famous "chilly breeze" passed over them as the moon's shadow crossed the globe…. the extraordinary mystery and stillness of the event was suddenly broken by old Mr. Gregoire, the janitor from the 4th floor who thought it would be funny to bombard the earnest ladies with stolen pastries from the cafeteria! "Moon pies!", he shrieked! 'Moon Pies! MOON PIES!!!", and as if that wasn't shock enough for the screaming and frosting-covered ladies, he proceeded to pull down his overalls only inches from their gaping faces and expose his 68 year old buttocks to them…. Cries of, "My eyes! MY EYES!!!" filled the courtyard of the hospital as medical staff came running….

The papers reported that this was yet another instance of a temporary madness which seems to follow solar eclipses as they occur. No charges were filed, although Mr. Gregoire was given a topical ointment to alleviate an unsightly pimple condition…

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “My Merry Memoirs”… Easter 1986.

The New York Native, a weekly paper published in New York City. And there I was as their Easter season model for gifts and treats!! .....(um, yes, I got carried away when they pulled out the chocolates! But they hadn't fed any of the crew lunch!!...... bastards!)

(Photos and article by William Cullum) (Sybil’s gown by Cliff Boone and Morrie Breyer of A.Q.U.A.)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hollywood's Hysterical History"...

THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1932)... starring an intimate cast (by 1930s Hollywood standards!) of Boris Karloff, Melvyn Douglas, Gloria Stuart, Charles Laughton, Raymond Massey, and the always fascinating Ernest ("Gods and Monsters!") Thesiger!...and directed by James Whale… (as flamboyant as ever!)

The title just about says it all, doesn't it? A weird and weirdly funny movie from the pre-code era, that sets a black & white horror mood rather brilliantly. Merrily macabre in so many ways, I often wonder how many takes some scenes took just because the cast broke out laughing especially with the extraordinary James Whale larking about behind the camera with Thesiger flouncing around in front of it! A Must-See, if you haven’t already!! Enjoy!!...

 …oh!... and did I ever tell you about the sequel? YES!! James asked me to star in it along with the reassembled Dark House cast! It was to be called QUEERISH CASTLE (1933 or so). James was getting more and more defiant of Hollywood’s closeted attitude about LGBTQ issues, so he decided to rub the big studios’ noses in it! No longer satisfied with only calling the lead character “Horace Femm”, the residents of Queerish Castle were to be Humpmey Bogart, Beulah Bondage, Finger Rogers, Poosile Ball, Orson Smells, Spencer Lacey, Lesbie Ann Warren, Julie Man-Drews, Clit Walker, Vulvian Vance, and Peener Youstinoff. The castle, though terrifying and full of dead bodies, trap doors, and secret passages, was also to be a fabulous dance hall/speak-easy with Vaudeville acts, including drag performance-knife throwers, transvestite-trapeze artists, contortionist-fortune tellers of indeterminate gender, and dog-and-cat ventriloquism! I was going to play “The Insatiable & Inscrewtable Vaj-eena”, a gypsy fortune teller who uses tea leaves and oblong vegetables to determine the unsuspecting guests’ futures… Misfortune and Merriment ensues!... or so we hoped. The Hays Committee shut us down for “Gross Indecency!... and oblong vegetables!” JEEEESH!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs!"... Fiddling Around in Films!

GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933!!!...

Did I ever tell you about my tour through Hollywood's chorus lines when the Stock Market Crash and Depression had screwed up most careers... including mine? Well, I went from fabulous times in the silents and made the transition to the talkies with no problem... but BOOOM!! My investments evaporated, my debts exploded, and it was a choice between waitressing at the Automat or playing a neon violin with a hundred other girls in a darkened sound stage... dressed like a giant lampshade that kept getting caught in my battery pack! Look for me during the "Shadow Waltz" number... you can find m easily! I'm the one with the neon violin shorting out over and over, flickering on and off again as it zaps me in my patooties! By the end of the shoot, my hair looked like a haystack! It took me two days at Mr. Paulette's to put the marcelle back in it! JEEEEESH!!!

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Snapshots From Sybil Bruncheon's Scrapbook:

God dammit! Who found this old photo of me being stopped by Big Jim Flaherty for parking by a hydrant??... He was writing out my ticket when he noticed that one of my tail lights was broken... and then that I had the smell of Vick's cough syrup on my breath!... alright! ALRIGHT! I was SICK!... I had a little drinking problem, but I was completely able to walk a straight line down the sidewalk, and even skip the cracks!... well, until I got up to the hopscotch board that Stacey-May Entwhiler had drawn in chalk deliberately to screw me up so she could date Big Jim... (she was a conniving little BITCH!... even at 6..!!)

… so who could blame me when I ran her over at her 7th birthday party?

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