Sybil Bruncheon’s Strange But True Histories: On this day, January 24th, 1972...

… a Japanese soldier, Shoichi Yokoi, was discovered in Guam, having spent 28 years hiding in the jungle thinking World War II was still going on.

On this same date: I knew a very nice older lady, Myrtle Narnelstein, who hid out for three years in the Fine Lingerie & Ladies' Support Garments department at Saks waiting for an incorrectly advertised sale...... she lived undiscovered and quite comfortably in the various Home Furnishings areas. I envied her her secret life hidden away from the insanity of the outside world. And in addition to the quiet once the great store closed up each evening, she threw the best little soirées in different departments for her mannequin friends and the expensive stuffed animals from the children’s toy boutique... mostly Steiff Teddy Bears… and a Gund dromedary and a velveteen rabbit. She ate nothing but delicacies; fine cakes and cookies, caviar and rare preserves, jams, and jellies, imported chocolates, pates, and petit fours, crème de glaces, followed by the best champagnes and dessert wines in the Gourmet-Gifts Shop …

Sadly, her constant and completely unbalanced diet of luxury foods resulted in her putting on over 267 lbs, which of course eventually “blew her cover”. She was finally caught stuck in the store's escalator, and the whole sordid truth was revealed. The store management was furious, not just because she had pulled it all off and escaped the eyes of security personnel… No! She was so large that they had to jack-hammer the West 58th Street walls down to fork-lift her out of the 3rd floor. The Limoges China department and Little Miss Petites Shoppe were completely demolished…

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Histories"...

November 16th, 1889... Thomas Edison began experimenting with early ideas for a refreshing spa-treatment for patients suffering from depression, nervousness, and kleptomania. After a few months with no positive results, he adjusted his equipment and findings and invented the first electric chair. Ironically, it was a sort of cure for depression, nervousness, and certainly kleptomania.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Stories For Young Scientists…

Boys and Girls! Did you know that there have been other solar eclipses at other times and in different places?? For instance, at Prendergast Point, Idaho, at the Our Lady of Merciful Miasmas Laying-In Hospital, the nursing staff took a short break on the afternoon of June 17th, 1921. Being educated and extremely scientific ladies, they had prepared thoroughly for this "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity"….. as the sky darkened and all conversation quieted, the girls marveled at the other phenomenon surrounding the event.

The birds stopped singing, crickets and other night-time creatures began to hum, and the famous "chilly breeze" passed over them as the moon's shadow crossed the globe…. the extraordinary mystery and stillness of the event was suddenly broken by old Mr. Gregoire, the janitor from the 4th floor who thought it would be funny to bombard the earnest ladies with stolen pastries from the cafeteria! "Moon pies!", he shrieked! 'Moon Pies! MOON PIES!!!", and as if that wasn't shock enough for the screaming and frosting-covered ladies, he proceeded to pull down his overalls only inches from their gaping faces and expose his 68 year old buttocks to them…. Cries of, "My eyes! MY EYES!!!" filled the courtyard of the hospital as medical staff came running….

The papers reported that this was yet another instance of a temporary madness which seems to follow solar eclipses as they occur. No charges were filed, although Mr. Gregoire was given a topical ointment to alleviate an unsightly pimple condition…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Fascinating and Funny Phenomena!"...

A cephalophore (from the Greek for "head-carrier") is a saint who is generally depicted carrying his or her own head; in art, this was usually meant to signify that the subject in question had been martyred by beheading. One of the most intriguing aspects of stories of beheaded saints is that they all continue to live and carry their heads much to the horror of their executioners and witnesses. They speak at length, walking about, visiting various places, quoting scripture and invoking all sorts of reactions from onlookers. Interestingly, headless people walking and talking predates Christianity and has occurred for centuries in cultures all around the world!... is it surprising that many of them have happened to perfectly ordinary persons in everyday life? Here are a few examples… 

1)   Princess Alexis of Heinen-Swizeisis – 1140 AD. At eleven years of age, she was accidentally beheaded during an axe-throwing game at her birthday party. She abruptly stood up, and, to ease the obvious discomfort of her guests and their parents, declared that it “was time for cake”!... Of course, unable to blow out her own candles (though she tried for several minutes) she invited everyone “to make a wish”. Afterwards during the gift opening time, she bravely tried on a charming bonnet and scarf set, tying a rather fetching bow just under her chin…A good time was had by all… according to the manuscripts…

2)   Sister Maigretta Alspeth Yonzagreeve of the Perpetually Forlorn Lamb of Woe Nunnery – 1213 AD. Sister May (an acronym of her initials) was head harvestress among the nuns in the abbey… at 6’7” she swung an energetic scythe when gathering the grains in the Fall. Sadly, a novice under her tutelage, carelessly swooped when she should have swiped, and her untrained blade took May’s head off cleanly on a sunny October afternoon. Despite the horrified shrieks of her sister-nuns, May briskly picked up her own head, cradled it into the folds of her habit, and firmly but lovingly admonished the ladies to continue their work as the day was coming to a close. The last of the grain was cut, gathered, and tossed into a wagon, and all the sisters retired for tea and biscuits before their evening prayers. Sister May made a brief report to the Mother Superior although she attached no blame to the young novice. She went to bed and slept well… tucking her head into a drawer by her bedside so as not to roll over it in her sleep. She was scheduled to conduct the morning devotional, but bowed out due to a sore throat.

3)   Duke Dragomir II of Eastern Rumelia – 1479 AD. Notoriously handsome and an able athlete, Dragomir was especially fond of contact sports enhanced by obstacle course challenges… the more risky, the better. His own personal favorite invention was the infamously violent Obstacle-Course Cross-Country Croquet Tournament. It was in the final quarter of the Montenegran Open during an overtime penalty when Dragomir was struck from behind by an opposing team member with his mallet. It certainly gave the term “sudden death” a whole new meaning. Dragomir, however, got right up, searched for his head which had rolled down a hillock (but was tossed to him by a jolly team mate), and being a notoriously good sport, invited everyone back to the clubhouse lodge for ale and mutton-pops… with skittle-beetle chips.

4)   Peter Gallego – 1929 AD. A nice family man and self-employed plumber in Queens, NY, Mr. Gallego built his small hands-on business from scratch after immigrating to the USA. Opportunites came his way in the sleepy and safe neighborhood of Broad Channel, made up of houses built on piers and separated by canals. It was during a particularly foggy morning in June that “Leaky Pete” (his nickname from affectionate neighbors) forgot to duck as he was speeding to a house call in his small outboard motor boat. Passing under the timbers of Wesauckett Walk and Breakers Blvd. his head was lopped off cleanly and sailed 40’ into the rolling wake. A passing lobster skiff saw what happened and scooped his still spluttering head up in a net, coughing up some sea water, but none the worse for wear. Indeed, Gallego invited the lobster crew back to the Giggling Mermaid for beers. It was there when several patrons saw what had happened that Gallego’s career changed completely. Obviously unable to continue plumbing, a friend connected to the Vaudeville circuit, suggested that Pete meet a comedian-ventriloquist named Señor Wences, whose puppet/dummies included a little boy named Johnny. When Wences met Pete, he immediately came up with an idea for a disembodied head in a box named “Pedro”… and the punchline for jokes when the box door would flip open?... “S’ALRIGHT”… Leaky Pete made a fortune and became a star on the Ed Sullivan show. 

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Famously Infamous Moments In History"... Holiday On Ice?????

Ah, yes.. the famous but short-lived "Mixed Pairs With Offspring Ice-Rhumba Competition"... held in the Lake Placid Olympics - 1932... Tragically, during the finals, the Kronovskys (seen here) doing a triple toe-loop hurled their newborn Ishmael into a passing Zamboni...

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Sybil Bruncheon's Hysterical Histories... The Marcia Blaine School for Girls

We’ve all heard about “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie” and her stormy career as a teacher there, but what do we really know about her students? As privileged girls from the well-to-do class, did they have their own scandalous secrets? Let’s investigate…

(front row, left to right)

Gwinneth MacWhorter: youngest daughter of Ebin and Enid MacWhorter, well-known music hall comedians and sidewalk buskers. “The MacWhorter Chortlers” built a reputation as bawdy and often raucous performers who entertained soldiers, sailors, and traveling salespersons with their ribald stories of farm girls, barnyard animals, and amputees’ artificial limbs. Little Gwinnie intended to follow in their footsteps.

Annalee Pooth: Orphaned at 2 years of age but supported by a generous trust fund from her deceased parents whose fortune was made in woolens. Luckily, Annalee didn’t have to dress in anything less than the finest cashmere since ordinary wool made her itch terribly.

Cathrine-Mae Hobtitt: Annalee’s secret girlfriend and soon-to-be “wife”. Cathrine and Annalee feigned complete disinterest in each other despite the fact that they spent seven entire years at private school within 24” of each other… occasionally “accidentally” brushing their hands against each other while talking with other people about Ladies’ Rugby, Ladies’ Lacrosse, and Ladies’ Bare-Fisted Boxing.

Pennelope Fipps-Hatchet: Voted “Most Friendly to Elderly People and Their Pets”… three years in a row.

(middle row, left to right)

Sarrah and Farrah McHugh: Twins (though not identical!), these two girls were as different from each other as they looked! Sarrah was given to studious pursuits, hobbies like collecting bugs and rocks, and obsessively joining clubs more associated with boys’ interests; the chess club, the math club, the astronomy club, etc. Her sister Farrah was more interested in fashion, collecting designer handbags and shoes, and joining clubs where she could meet boys; the chess club, the math club, the astronomy club, and hanging around their mens’ rooms.

Brynne and Glynne Banksden: Thoroughly identical twins who often used their being mistaken for each other to their advantage… sometimes for good-natured mischief, but later on for smash-and-grabs, pickpocketing, Ponzi schemes, and finally abduction and murder.

Kiki Btumbo: One of the few exchange students, in her case from Swazi-Cacaoland where her father was the much loved Prime Minister. Kiki was immensely popular at Marcia Blaine and never bothered or bullied even by the most troublesome girls, probably because the Minister of Propaganda in Swazi-Cacoaland had secretly spread the false rumors that her family were cannibals.

(back row left to right)

Deborah MacNichol: A self-described sorceress and Wiccan nudist, “Debbie-Mack” as she called herself was on a strict herb, twig, and beetle diet which stunned and horrified the faculty… not so much because it offended or frightened them, but because she was responsible for devastating damage to the ornamental gardens and landscaping of the Academy. She usually wore black in keeping with her witchcraft practices… and because it hid grass stains.

Mollie-Margaret Malloy: An Irish student with a lovely soprano singing voice who could accompany herself on the zither, the glockenspiel, the xylophone, and a cello-horn… simultaneously. It helped that she had an extra finger on each hand.

Stephanie Clumpp: A perfectly lovely young girl, mostly a B+/A- student, friendly without being cloying, good at crafts and needlework, and volunteered at the local doll-hospital. Tragically, at 36 years of age, she returned to the quarry where this photo was taken and threw herself into the gravel grinder. Her demise was not discovered until a week later when her suicide note was delivered to the local newspaper. But by then she had been paved into the new M8 highway between Edinburgh and Glasgow.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Hollywood’s Hysterical Histories!”…

Seen here is a rare photo of Hollywood icon Marilyn Monroe, secretly visiting the set of GODZILLA (1954) on the first day of shooting. She had been in private negotiations with the director Ishirō Honda about starring in the film, but he carefully explained to her through translators that the only American in it would be a male reporter to be played by Raymond Burr. Apparently, Monroe laughed merrily and said “NO, Silly!!” She wanted to play the title character… GODZILLA! She revealed she had been coached for months by her mentor Lee Strasberg and had stayed overnight at the Cuddly Critters Petting Zoo … in their iguana cage! The staff, again patiently, granted that although she was quite convincing at stepping on toy skyscrapers in slow motion and roar-honking loudly on cue, she was still too attractive to play a dinosaur… even if she DID stop using moisturizer. She was devastated and returned to America heartbroken. She immediately married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. Who she claimed “looks a lot like Godzilla, especially when he just gets out of the shower!”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Mythology Can Be Modern!": The true story of sporting events and country clubs in the ancient world!

A little known fact about the Romans was that in addition to their public baths and seaside resorts, they also had exclusive country clubs much like ours today! Did you know that when they finally conquered the savages on what became the British isles, they learned the very earliest versions of golf?

Here, in this mosaic, Hercules becomes very irate with his caddy Dunlopicus for wearing a funny mask to distract him during his putt on hole XVI, and then bludgeons him to death with his VII bronze... Interesting to note, golf in those times was also "clothing optional"...

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "Mythology Can Be Modern!": A typical day at the office... on Mt. Olympus!

A typical day at the office on Mt. Olympus... Here in this ancient mosaic, we see a portrayal of Pompos Majoricus, a minor demigod in the pantheon of divine mythology. Although he aspired to be as important as some of the more major figures like Zeus and Athena, he remained merely a third tier immortal among the other 400 or so gods, goddesses, nymphs, driads, naiads, satyrs, centaurs, pixies, and other assorted glommers and hangers-on. He is seen here in his branch office in a suburb of Thebes called V Towns (or as they call it on Long Island, Five Towns). On the left is Spamatina, his personal secretary with a list of local farmers and craftspersons who may have to be relocated or even reconfigured into other creatures depending on their manners and sexual performances with visiting gods from the main office. And on the right, we have Humanus Resoursos, who has brought what is left of a former employee who had lunch with the Furies, the Harpies, and the Gorgons.... and ended up becoming lunch! He was served with a delicious cheese sauce...hence the origin of "Gorgonzola"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's “Mythology Can Be Modern!”: The true story of the Nine Muses....

Many mythologists and historians have debated the origins and the stories of the Nine Muses. As a matter of fact Edith Hamilton and I had a long rivalry for the attentions of Tommy Bulfinch until we all woke up in a seedy motel room after a three-day drunken orgy with togas and laurel wreaths and a couple of fraternity boys and... well, you get the idea. Anyway, I shall now present my OWN theory on who and what the Nine Muses really were...

Starting from the upper left:

1) Floozalla - Patroness of Friendliness to strangers, especially during nude athletic contests, nude wine tastings, nude lyre competitions, and wars (nude or otherwise).

2) Gagto - Guardian and Encourager of Vomiters… and Vomitresses.

3) Spazto - Friend of extreme drunkeness and the merriment it causes. Her two attending nymphs are Convulsos and Yowlette.

4) Pixie-deelos - Sponsor of dance marathons often in tandem with Spazto (see above). Also curer of blisters and warder-off of splinters (though not successfully! Zeus has spoken to her about this!). 

5) Gastris - Securer of flatulence and soothsayer through "the secret language of farts". (Predictor of future events and able to tell what dinner was the night before.)

6) Lim-Reeka – Inspirer of naughty poems and songs usually about traveling olive oil salesmen and shepherd's daughters... or the actual sheep themselves; often performed in conjunction with other activities, perhaps in Athenian alleyways… or in cheap Spartan motels. (Watch for other Muses! They like poetry too!)

7) Itchra – Mother of athletic supporters and clean laundry.

8) Dragtathos – Agent for all Greek actors who prance around as women, and all Greek women who have facial hair like men… and personal manager of Nana Mouskouri.

9) Baklavada – Temptress of fine foods, rare wines, and imported delicacies, and continual tormentor and nagger of fat people.

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