Sybil Bruncheon's Hollywood's Hysterical Histories... Theresa "Tootie" Smith...

As a very young child, Theresa Smith (born to Alonzo and Anna Smith of St. Louis, Missouri, and nicknamed "Tootie"), began her career singing and dancing even in the cradle. Her first public performances were for friends and neighbors of her family often for holiday occasions where she would team up with her siblings doing impressions and various Vaudeville songs about exotic places or disreputable persons involved in piracy, white slavery, bootlegging, and even cannibalism.

Though seemingly humorous, there were dark undertones to these little showlettes, and frequently little Tootie would end up in some sort of altercation or violence, often in alleyways behind a theatre... or her nursery school. At the tender age of 7 she almost wed an indigent character actor from a local dinner theatre before her parents (usually absent and uninterested) interceded with local authorities to stop the marriage ceremony literally at the altar just before the groom could say, "I do!"... Little Tootie then descended into a bizarre nether-world of carny-shows and cult-films and political scandal... before she finally disappeared from all respectable society.

(Top row L to R: 1) Little Tootie singing with her older sister Esther whom she later hooked on heroin and marijuana and abandoned in a Women's House of Detention. Her brother Lon is seen accompanying the girls on his banjo. He was later drugged, abducted, and sold into white slavery by Tootie's 3rd grade boyfriend, possibly to Arabia, Madagascar, or somewhere in Akron. The banjo was never found. 2) Tootie at the age of 5 rescued by police from her agent (pimp?) after being robbed of her night's salary at Bluestein's Bimbo & Burlesqueerie in Poka-Ma-Hola, Arkansas. 3) Tootie with her almost husband, Edward "Big Ned" Bunsterston seen in this photo just after she pinched his bottom. 4) Tootie photographed with her doll/ventriloquist dummy Madame Shahtzi, a German fraulein known for her suggestive cabaret songs and off-color limericks about sailors and long voyages at sea without women-folk. Bottom row L to R: 5) Tootie with Mr. Ruffski, one of many animals from the local pound that she did cult-films with as the only human in the cast. Eventually church authorities interceded, and many of the animals were rescued to good and loving homes. 6) Tootie at the birthday celebration for the MGM studios. She was told by the secretary to LB Mayer, that if she would wait in his office, he might come by with a piece of cake and she could sit on his lap! 7) Tootie broadcasting as Wee Tootsen Stroodlehoff, the Nurnberg Nightingale, during World War I when she may have been a double-agent for the Kaiser. 8) Tootie reduced to being a hobo when she returned to the United States and was only partially cleared of sedition charges. 9) A photo taken in the 1940s of acclaimed Dr. Mary Edwards Walker... or a stage magician named The Magnificent Mr. Majooski, either of whom may or may not be Tootie disguised to conceal her true identity.)

[Want to read other fun and funny stories here on SybilSez.com? Just enter any topic that pops into your head in the "search" window on the upper right! Who knows what might come up?...and feel free to share them with your friends!]

Sybil Bruncheon's Merry Memoirs: Chapter 18, "Funny Friends and Their Funny Ways"....

Melanie+Farkakte+(781).jpg

I knew a Melanie Farkakte on the McFeeney's Burlesque Circuit... she recited dirty haikus, played the trombone, and bent herself into surprisingly suggestive shapes... using oblong vegetables as her inspirations... Sadly, her arms had been paralyzed from a soap-box derby crash... and she'd lost her left leg in a potato-sack race gone-horribly-wrong at the Lucas County Fair... (she also happened to be an orthodox Jewish girl! She left the theatre at 4PM every Friday, did no shows on Saturday, and refused any boxes of chocolates or bouquets of flowers that contained shellfish or bacon! ...foolish girl!) She passed away suddenly at 43 years of age in the deadly Contagious Guilt Epidemic that struck Five Towns, Long Island during a Weight Watchers Convention...

[Want to read other fun and funny stories here on SybilSez.com? Just enter any topic that pops into your head in the "search" window on the upper right! Who knows what might come up?...and feel free to share them with your friends!]

Sybil Bruncheon's "LET'S MOVE TO CANADA!" Series on PBS. Part One...

Poutine Sulque Stripper.jpg

Hello, my fellow ex-Americans! In preparation for our migration (or should I say "exodus"?) to our oh-so-friendly neighbor to the North, I am doing a series with Ken Burns on PBS about Canadian culture and history! Twelve episodes that will help us as Americans and grateful immigrants acclimate smoothly and courteously to our new hosts and their splendid nation! Tonight's episode is "Famous Canadians In Fact & Fiction".

Seen here is the notorious, the mysterious, the provocative, the insatiable, but the always polite "Poutine Sulque, Ecdysiast Extraordinaire du Québec"! Poutine (born Gerbyline Frieberger of Powahattan City, Saskatchewan) built her career on her amazing "hour-glass figure" which drove men wild with rapturous desire during her strip-tease performances involving a string quartet (plus oboe and bassoon), an assortment of thoughtfully recited poems (usually haikus and Italian sonnets), and Monsieur LaPoot, a myna bird of indeterminate age (kept securely in his cage due to an unfortunate eye-pecking tragedy to the mayor of Vancouver.) She was hailed from coast to coast and fabulously wealthy. Her notoriety was so great and her talent and beauty such a source of pride (though modestly expressed) that she was received by His Majesty King George V and given some sort of Order or Dame-hood during a capricious weekend with various theatre and music hall persons at Kensington Palace while Queen Mary was away at a Ladies-Only spa in Baden Baden.

Poutine's career was long and extremely successful until, sadly, she made a joke about a third grade geography teacher named Winifred O'Hevlin of Winnipeg who had been in a train wreck as a teen-ager. She had lost her left leg in the tragedy, but had triumphed over her affliction with great aplomb and was an inspiration to her neighbors and war veterans coming back from the front. Unfortunately, Poutine made a meant-to-be-harmless joke during one of her “strip-teasettes” about Winnie-Peg-Leg sitting in the front row. The audience members were too kind to scream or even gasp, but management (regretfully!) informed Poutine after the third show that her services  “would no longer be required”.

Poutine was devastated and later informed the public through the newspapers in her full-page apologies, that she herself had been a young victim of a railway accident. It seems when she was an eleven-year old Canadienne Girl Guide (First Class!) she was hit by the Grand Trunk Railway express during its 3:15 run from Hescotte Heights to Consultanacusca. She was demonstrating elaborate knot-tying in front of her entire troop for her merit badge and somehow found herself on the rails during the Peril’s-Of-Pauline-Half-Hitch-Back-And-Under-Wrap-Around-Noodler! The train broke 13 of her ribs, but the doctors didn’t have to reset anything since she was already encased in 40’ of rope. It took her six months to recover, but “How do you think I got my gorgeous 17 inch waistline?”, she stated defiantly. Interestingly, after she retired from the hurly-burly of the burlesque, she created a line of luxury corsets and “ladies’ dainties”. Her big money came from the line of hernia trusses that she provided to the Canadian Men’s Rugby Association!!!… (This program was produced in part by generous grants from the Maple Syrup Corporation of North America, the Purline Trudeau Charitable Trust, the Gabriella and Hiram Smoot Family, and by viewers like you!.... Thank you!)

[Want to read other fun and funny stories here on SybilSez.com? Just enter any topic that pops into your head in the "search" window on the upper right! Who knows what might come up?...and feel free to share them with your friends!]