Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking News From The World of Medical Mysteries!!!".... the Giggle-Weevil, and its deadly consequences...
/
Yes, folks, it's true! A long suspected killer has finally been discovered in our midst; the insidious Giggle-Weevil (Stingus hystericocus) Always dismissed as a myth by the AMA and the conservative Western medical establishment, (like acupuncture!), it has now been affirmed that a small seemingly harmless insect has been the culprit for years... perhaps centuries! Starting with what appears to be nothing more than a mosquito bite, the itching begins to be accompanied by a happy mood... gradually descending into a merry buoyancy, and finally into inappropriate and raucous laughter, wild dancing about, capering, violent gymnastics and often naked calisthenics... and death. There is no known cure... the victim should be made as comfortable as possible, and restrained if he poses a physical threat to those around him, valuable artwork, or innocent farm animals... Seen here are a variety of victims from all walks of life of this dread insect: (Clockwise from top left...)
1) Brijittah Oбрізки - A Ukrainian housewife and interpretive dancer who, during a recital at a local hospice/petting zoo, was bitten by the Giggle Weevil (or the Хихікач-Довгоносик) while she re-enacted all the animals in the "Farmer In The Dell". The audience was rapturous and applauded lustily until she suddenly began a verse about an orangutan marrying a bushel of okras... the children in the audience were delighted, but their parents began to worry, especially as Brijittah disrobed and showed what a fully ripe okra could be used for... With a delighted yowl, she fell to the ground as local police persons descended on her... she died 3 hours later... though with a huge and satisfied smile on her dear old face.
2) Huu Kwan Ping - A cigar and cigarette maker, Ping had always been known as the most grim and sour member of his large and prosperous family. Having absolutely no sense of humor, he was all business and finance, investing his money in tobacco futures and noodle commodities. He was reported to have become a millionaire by the time he was 19 although he only had seven remaining teeth. One night at the age of 31, he was out on a veranda counting his day's profits when he was bitten by the dread Giggle Weevil (or the Gēgē xiàng bí chóng). Within a few minutes he began tell jokes in Mandarin, apparently of his own design, accompanied by obscene gestures and barnyard sounds. Predictably, no one else laughed. He had never been know to be the least bit entertaining or even particularly friendly. And when he died a few hours later face down in a family-sized portion of General Tso's Chicken, the staff at the McDonald's performed a makeshift funeral... and cremated him in the French-fryer.
3) Alex Trebek – prime-time game-show host. Yes, it’s true. Even celebrities in the whirlwind maelstrom of obscure trivia questions, flipping cards, guessing letters, buying vowels, and interviewing lunk-head contestants from Butt-Smoke, Wyoming can be victims of an unfortunate run-in with a bizarre insect. Mr. Trebek apparently was bitten by the Giggle-Weevil on an outing to Yosemite National Park and returned from his Summer hiatus to the first Fall taping session. In front of the studio audience, he began to chuckle merrily at some of the unfortunate contestants’ incorrect answers. Always a bit on the condescending side of his comments, Trebek managed during Double-Jeopardy to burst out laughing on one mistake and then roll around on the floor howling behind his podium at the Final-Jeopardy showdown. He was carried away, tears streaming down his face in front of a horrified audience that was forced at the exits to sign a disclaimer; they were deny that any such thing had happened in exchange for $47.00 and a lifetime supply of Tang and Calgon Bouquet Bath Salts. (This was before the FDA scandal that revealed that Tang and Calgon Bouquet Bath Salts were in fact the same product!) Trebek managed to survive his bout with the Giggle-Weevil long enough to tragically pass away from other causes later in the year.
4) Greta-Mae Linn Eisenhower – a distant cousin of the great Dwight Eisenhower. Greta-Mae was an active member of the Ladies’ Rotary and had the distinction of being an Elk, a Wombat, an Oddfellow, a Daughter of Pythias, a Daughter of Columbus, a Daughter of Italy, and a Shriner-ette. She participated in every charity bake-sale, church sociable, fire department pancake breakfast, and county fair clown dunk…as the CLOWN! That’s one reason why, due to her naturally merry nature, that no one noticed her decent into the tragic madness of a Giggle-Weevil bite. It was on a charming Sunday morning in April that Greta-Mae casually mentioned that she “thought the lampshade in the foyer might look nice as a church hat”… and that’s just what she did in front of startled onlookers after she cut it loose from its hanging wire. She plopped it cheerfully on her head and strode out onto the front lawn to show it to any passersby. When asked by a child what the thing sticking out of the top was, Greta-Mae looked, thought for a moment, and then declared that it was fuse she might light at any moment to blow up the Bingo Hall since she never got to win… and then off she staggered into town yowling the whole way. Later, after the church services were finished, during which she interrupted Reverend Felter with catcalls and an endless stream of lewd puns, knock-knock jokes, and cookie recipe suggestions during the parable of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When seized with a sudden attack of flatulence, she excitedly tore the pink bow curtain-tie from her living room window and claimed that it would prevent any unpleasant smells from disturbing her gerbil, Fritzie. Her daughter later reported that Greta-Mae never had a gerbil, that there was no one in their circle of family and friends named Fritzie, and that she was going to really miss that pink floral bedspread! Greta-Mae passed away a week later and was buried in that very same bedspread dress…
5) Salvador Dali – famous Dadaist and Surrealist painter. Dali is the only know person to have actually swallowed a Giggle-Weevil. Enough said…
6) Unidentified widows in the Sweet Sepulchre of Restful Souls Cemetery, Itch-hollow, Indiana. According to a front page story in the Itch-hollow Clarion, an assortment of women attending funerals for their husbands apparently were attacked by a swarm of stinging Giggle-Weevils when someone disturbed their nest, possibly in a bush, a tree, or a discarded picnic basket. Within seconds two things happened; one was that all the mourning and weeping turned into laughter and merriment, and two, all the ladies suddenly became fast-friends… All the grieving parties became… well… PARTIES! A grill was set up directly over Mr. Hiram Eggleson’s fresh grave, the Morrison family brought groceries from their car including packs of hot-dogs and all the fixings for s’mores, and someone ran to the local market down the block for beer, pretzels, and soft drinks for the children. Singing, dancing, and off-color rounds of charades and Twister continued well into the night until the local police were called for possible desecration of burial places… no charges were filed, but only because all the participants were dead within 72 hours.
[Want to read other stories here on SybilSez.com? Just enter any topic that pops into your head in the "search" window on the upper right! Who knows what might come up?...and feel free to share them with your friends!]
