Sybil Bruncheon's "Weird Tales Of Other Worlds... and our own picnics!"...

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Yes, Friends… so many of us have heard of or actually lived strange experiences… sometimes in the most unexpected places and ways. This story is taken from the Powahatton Morning Gazette that a Mrs. Geraldinette Gardner of 1250 Elco Drive in Mount Mason, Iowa recently reported that her own younger sister Edith was no longer… well… “Edith”. And that she might have been taken over by an alien presence… possibly from the flying saucer which supposedly landed earlier in the week at the annual Girl Scout Jamboree in the Pchucken woods two miles down the road.

Local newspapers reported the landing, but unfortunately it only lasted a matter of minutes and was reported only by young girls under the impressionable age of seven… and it was at 4:30 in the morning as Gilda Marie Faber reported from her Minnie Mouse watch. No adults or indeed reliable sources were witnesses according to Sheriff Johnny Bob Clemens. “We like to trust these young ladies, especially as they’re Girl Scouts and, of course, the mothers of tomorrow, but five or six pre-teens in the wee hours of the morning claiming a flying saucer landed near tent #13 for a few minutes?… well, Hell, I wouldn’t trust ‘em if they were actually grown teen-agers! I certainly wouldn’t trust my OWN!”.

Back to Mrs. Gardener: before her sister began to “change”, Mrs. Gardner had been on the Refreshments and Festive Aspics committee for the United Baptist Holy Waters Conference to be held in the Mason Fairgrounds. She reported that she had carefully prepared a recipe from the Duncan Hines MORE-THAN-CAKE Cook Book (the 1954 edition with the color photos and the plasticized recipe cards tucked into the back cover flap! You know the kind… they can be wiped clean in case of kitchen spills!) She had followed the recipe exactly without her usual improvisations or additions! “It was my first time with this recipe, and I always follow the directions exactly when I attempt a new dish!… It’s only fair!”… She finished with the gelatin, the tomato soup, the vegetables and seasonings… and then refrigerated the circular mold in her Amana refrigerator, the new pink one with the chrome trim. At approximately 4:30 in the morning, she heard the sound of her screen door on the back porch swing open and slam. She rushed down the stairs to see a shadowy figure “bent over and sort of limping or crawling quickly through the nearby trees in the direction of Pchucken. She saw that nothing seemed to be amiss and went back to bed…

But the next morning!… when she went to the Amana to take out her aspic, it had changed! CHANGED! It had grown… yes, GROWN strange appendages in the middle where there had been olives, pineapple chunks, mini-marshmallows, carrot and celery sticks, and a refreshing but-not-too-sweet mayonnaise mousse-dip! And it had grown… well… eyes. Yes, EYES!! ALL OVER!!! Red, glaring EYES!!!… that followed you wherever you went! She staggered backward from the quivering dish; quivering, by the way, all on its own. When her sister Edith swept into the kitchen with fresh flowers, a six-pack of Schlitz, and two jumbo sized loaves of Wonder Bread, all for the picnic, Mrs. Gardner didn’t mention the aspic or its appalling transformation to Edith. She claims she didn’t know what to say… She left the kitchen for only a moment, apparently to get her new Mary Kay lipstick in Tango Tangerine and a mascara… but when she came back down “in just a matter of minutes”, Edith had swallowed (or been forced to swallow) the entire aspic. At least that’s what it looked like… and from there, according to a hysterical Geraldinette Gardner, Edith was never the same.

Most of the authorities contacted have not believed Gardner’s story, and the few that have interviewed Edith have not noticed anything out of place other than a flatness in her conversation… well, and her frequent requests for ketchup and mustard packets from the Athanasakos Greek Diner. She assures us that she always pays for them, and consumes them as “meal-substitutes, sometimes twenty or thirty at a time… but only around 4:30 in the morning… 5 at the latest…”…

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs"... un petit déjeuner sur le Titanic!

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I was THERE!... with my uncle Sir Cedric Dumby-Phyfe. He wrote a letter back home and described this very menu! Here's some of it:

... and the entire First Class was in an uproar over the "hodge podge"... a sort of mousse/pâté en terrine made out of hedge hogs, garden moles, shrews, and the occasional squirrel that may have wandered under the wheels of a local greengrocer's truck and been tossed into a chopper. Then there was the "potted shrimps" and "soused herrings"; fish that had literally been drowned to death in brandies, whiskies... or whatever booze that a drunken chef had lying around... some diners claimed he may even have used cheap French cologne! I certainly wouldn’t have been surprised given his unintelligible accent! The "consommé jardiniere" was accurately named; literally "consume planter" or soup from a garden... meaning that any leaves, twigs, soil, and even bugs might be in it! Other items on the menu such as "brawn", "sardines", "kidney", "surrey capon", "jacket potatoes", "mutton", "corned ox tongue", and "fillets of plaice" were equally unappetizing... or at the very least confusing. And "lettuce" and "tomatoes" was so generic… completely un-fascinating! And "Manhattan apples"!... what?! Bought from some pushcart down on Rivington Street or in a Little Italy alleyway? That's what we paid all that money for, for a First Class passage on the Titanic?... ridiculous!

To be honest, it was almost a relief to strike an ice berg and be delivered from four more days of such rubbish! We were so lucky to have been rescued by the RMS Carpathia... where the cuisine wasn't nearly as aspirational, but where "cream of tomato soup" and something called a grilled cheese sandwich were perfectly understandable and quite cozy, thank you. I shall speak to Cook when we return to the estate! Love to all and especially to the livestock! Ceddie!...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "A Whole Month Of Thanksgiving!"... Housewifely Hints For A Happy Holiday!...

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... Ladies, (and I use that term loosely)... do you try to serve your Thanksgiving crowd a wide but still nutritious variety of side dishes with your turkey? Sure, who doesn't? But sometimes a new and untried recipe from a passing stranger, a resentful in-law, or an adulterous neighbor can turn out just terribly, can't it? Even our healthy and usually heart-friendly vegetable-dishes can suddenly become the stuff of hideous nightmares. I'm reminded of the time a supposedly prize-winning artichoke dip stood up on my beautifully laid dining table and, after kicking over the candelabras, proceeded to eat my Cousin Delia and her husband Carl, a perfectly nice aluminum-siding salesman who had never been to my home before. Well! You can imagine my embarrassment as a hostess, especially when the fire spread to adjoining blocks and killed 13. Ah well... my advice? Always, ALWAYS try out Holiday recipes a week or so beforehand. Why get caught at the last minute in a cuisine catastrophe? There'll be more suggestions in my new cook book/memoir, starting on page 312. Bon Appétit!!! 

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Tour-ette from Mummie's home on a Sunday afternoon!... Bolognese from scratch! 12/15/2019

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Sybil Bruncheon's Helpful ‘n' Hearty Household Hints for the Harried Housewife!... Rush! Rush!! RUSH!!!

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Girlfriends, do you find yourself running out of time between the office and the dinner table? Sure, who doesn't? Well, maybe, just maybe, Mummie can help you! We can't all afford the luxury to make elaborate French, Italian, or Uzbekistan gourmet meals during a day of creative semi-leisure like Martha Stewart and her billionaire gal-pals. But we CAN be clever with what our local grocer offers us and avoid calling in for a sad cardboard pizza from a corporate chain whose mascot is an UNstabbed Julius Caesar...

Here's what I'm doing tonight. I bought a pre-roasted chicken from my favorite grocery store. (I always choose the largest one!... perfect for reconfigured leftovers!!) I stuffed it full of lemon wedges, rubbed it with olive oil and butter, put it into my beloved All-Clad stock pot, surrounded it with huge chunks of parsnips, potatoes, onions, carrots, and celery, and poured a cup of chicken stock into the bottom. A bay leaf or two, and your choice of additional spices is optional. I'm putting it (covered!) into the oven for a couple of hours at 250. The lemon, vegetables, and stock will keep it all moist and actually bake the chicken to that fall-off-the-bone finish that I love. (The grocery always seems to undercook them, and I don't like chicken to be pink ANYWHERE!) By 7pm or so, it's done! I have done this after-work chicken-trick for ages, and it never fails! Bon appétit!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "What's Cookin'?"...... A Midnight Snack from The Land Of Midnight Sun!

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                                               NORWEGIAN SWEDISH MEATBALLS!!                        

          Dear Sybil, I’m always trying to throw little impromptu get-togethers at the beach and come up with cute themes for the parties and just the right menu!...but I find Sandra Lee’s “tablescapes and cocktails” profoundly UNsatisfying….especially because some of my guests are sober, and if your party depends totally on booze, napkin folds, and some citronella candles, you’re a loser…(no offence!) Have you got something that might be fun and a novelty? Sincerely, Bjørnstjerne “Skippy” Bjørnson

          Well…..um… Skippy! I may have just the thing for you!...and for any other hosts and hostesses who feel stranded…  Out at the seashore for vacation??? Planning a soiree on the patio??  Need a great and quick treat for company dropping by for cocktails at sunset??  In-laws checking up on you with NO warning???  Well, Darlings, Mummy went to her super-secret recipe library, (which looks like Severus Snape's personal storeroom at Hogwarts!! I dated him in Junior High School!...but that’s another story for another time!), and pulled out a simple recipe just perfect for a buffet, or passed hors d'oeuvres, or a midnight snack....in broad daylight!!!!!  It's NORWEGIAN SWEDISH MEATBALLS!!  I got it from my old friend, Hedda Gabler, shortly before her unfortunate …um… “accident”! ...so, in a way...you could say..."These are a dead woman's treats!!".  They're absolutely perfect for a FJORD FIESTA, and who doesn’t want a new theme like that for their deck party?!?!  Make them ahead of time, and let their wonderful flavor develop for a day or two...and of course they're great as leftovers for that midnight snack!!... If there ARE any!  You know, with all the Summer Stock Theatre and Plays-In-The-Park-type-things ....we could do a whole Ibsen menu....WILD DUCK as the entree, and of course, Nora Helmer's DOLL HOUSE Macaroons for dessert!!!  Enjoi, mes amis!!!!


Norwegian Swedish Meatballs: Serves 4 to 6
INGREDIENTS:
For the meatballs-
• 1/2 cup fine dry bread crumbs
• 1/4 cup heavy cream
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 medium red onion, finely chopped
• 1/2 pound ground chuck or sirloin                                                             • 1/2 pound ground veal
• 1/2 pound ground pork
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1 large egg
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter


For the sauce-
• 1 cup chicken stock
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 2 tablespoons juice from quick pickled cucumbers (optional)
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper                                         • nutmeg (optional)

DIRECTIONS:
Prepare the meatballs: In a large bowl, combine the ground beef, veal, pork, breadcrumbs, onion, honey, and egg, and mix well with your hands.  Season with salt and pepper to taste. Add in the heavy cream, and mix thoroughly. Set aside. Heat the oil in a small skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and sauté for about 5 minutes, until softened.  Remove from the heat.  With wet hands (to keep the mixture from sticking), (or better yet, use an ice cream scoop!) shape the mixture into meatballs the size of a golf ball, but no larger!!  Swedish meatballs are much more elegant when they're small enough to be popped in the mouth without smearing your lipstick!  Tres chic!! Place them on a plate lightly moistened with water.  You should have about 24 meatballs.  Melt the butter and a small amount of olive oil (to keep the butter from burning!) in a large skillet over medium-high heat.  Add the meatballs, in batches if necessary, and cook, turning frequently, for about 7 minutes, until browned on all sides and cooked through.  Transfer the meatballs to a plate, and discard all but 1 tablespoon of fat from the skillet. (Well, girls! We have to count a FEW calories!)

Prepare the sauce: Return the skillet to the heat, whisk in the stock, cream, and pickle juice, and bring to a simmer.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.  Add the meatballs to the sauce, reduce the heat to medium, and simmer for about 5 minutes, until the sauce thickens slightly and the meatballs are heated through. Add a dash or two of nutmeg if you like! Serve hot with the mashed potatoes, lingonberry preserves, and pickled cucumbers!  Pickled cucumbers…the perfect Summer treat!  Oops!  Mummy didn't include those recipes, did she?  Oh well... here goes!!

Quick-Pickled Cucumbers and Red Onion                                                   INGREDIENTS:
• 1 seedless cucumber
• ½ medium sized red onion
• 1 ½ cups of white vinegar
• 1 cup of sugar
• 2 tbsp. of dill                                                                                                     • 6 allspice berries
• ¼ teaspoon kosher salt
• a pinch or two of freshly ground pepper

DIRECTIONS: Using a mandoline or a very sharp knife, finely slice the cucumbers and red onion….really fine… as in “see-through”! It’ll make the salad look ever so much more sophisticated for the recipe-snobs that might be there! But certainly be careful… the tip of finger is such an appetite depressant, don’t you think?! (When handling slicing or poking tools in the kitchen, it’s best not to be chatting on the cell phone or watching All My Children!) Put in a mixing bowl with the dill and a pinch of salt while you prepare the pickling solution. 

In a small pot over medium heat, combine white vinegar, sugar, allspice and salt. Stir well until the liquid is simmering and the sugar has completely dissolved. Pour pickling liquid over red onion and cucumbers and stir to ensure everything is evenly coated. Allow to cool to room temperature, then cover with plastic wrap (press the plastic wrap down onto the cucumbers so there is no air) and refrigerate. Chill for at least 4 hours to cool completely before serving. Reserve two tablespoons of the juice for your meatball sauce! It adds just the right tang and serves as a counterpoint to the lush sweetness of the lingonberry preserves. Speaking of which, the best way to get good lingonberry preserves is to just buy them at the store, but make sure they’re high-end. You can get them at any fine gourmet shop or even at IKEA if you happen to be buying a bookcase! There are two ways of serving the preserves according to personal preference; warmed up and with a bit of ginger beer and lime to compliment the heated meatballs… or chilled to contrast with the hot meatballs….your choice!

Smashed Potatoes                                                                                            INGREDIENTS:
• 1 lb. baby new potatoes
• 6 tablespoons milk
• 1/4 cup of crème fraîche or sour cream
• kosher salt and pepper to taste
• 2 tablespoons chopped flat leaf parsely

DIRECTIONS: Put the potatoes in a stockpot, and cover by an inch of water. Season with salt and boil until tender, about 10 minutes. Drain the potatoes, and return back to their hot pot. Add 6 tablespoons milk and 1/4 cup of crème fraîche or sour cream, and season with salt and pepper. Add half the parsley chopped very fine, if using, and smash the potatoes. Plate the potatoes, and pour the meatballs and sauce over the top. Top with the remaining parsley!...and voilà! …er, um…. här är!

          You know, Darlings!.. When I think of how those long Winters in Scandinavia with no sun, and then Summers where the sun never sets, I’m not surprised that those beautiful blondes get so down in the mouth… if only we’d popped a few of these sumptuous Swedish meatballs in Hedda’s mouth, she might not have gotten so grumpy! Ah well… As I said before, Enjoi, mes amis!!.... ooops!  I mean, Enjoi, mine venner!!!! ...and let me know how you like them! There’s absolutely nothing Smörgasbor-ing about them!

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